Memoirs of a Pastry Princess

I’m such a fucking wreck right now.

This is the second day I’ve skipped class this week. Why? Because I was partying. Because I was lazy. Because I was sad.

I was so alone after Ian and I told myself never to turn down a social interaction. Kind of like yes man, you know?

But it’s gone too far. I need to pay attention to my responsibilities.

I don’t think the environment I’m in right now is the most nurturing of my studies… I don’t really know what I could do to change it. Except maybe start saying no.

But…..

I have other issues too.

Seeing Josh….. I like it. I like Josh. More than I’d like to admit. But he’s acting weird…. it makes me sad. I miss him. I miss being able to just reach out and touch the handsome man in front of me. It’s a blessing, truly.

But…. my hot co-worker Jesse….. screwing his brains out has kind of become a bulletpoint on my bucketlist. But he has a girlfriend… whom he really cares a lot about. And that’s awesome… I don’t want to be Jesse’s girlfriend. I just want to fuck him. Unfortunately, fucking is not something that is permitted with other people just for kicks.

Except right now…. they’re on a break. So here’s my chance, right?

Here’s the stitch….

Even though I know he wants to fuck me too, I know he’s worried about the consequences of having a one night stand with a co-worker.

Plus….

My feelings for Josh are hardcore getting in the way. Every moment I spend thinking about Jesse’s smouldering (fill in blank), I want to devote 10 hours to Josh’s complete happiness.

I want cuddles and funny conversations and I want to spoil him with the best head in seven seas.

But he’s acting weird…. it’s like he doesn’t want to see me or something. I just want to crawl in a hole and fill it with tears.

FML

Tonight I am very angry and frustrated and sad.

Yesterday I was supposed to hang out with Jordan, this morning I was supposed to hang out with Ariel and make pajama pants and pick up my dry cleaning and then, most importantly: play friday catan. Which was very important this week because we didn’t get to last week. and Catan is pretty much the only thing me and Josh do well together other than sex. and cuddling. but he hasn’t wanted to do those things at all this week and he wanted to today.

So tonight was supposed to be Catan and cuddling and wonderful heavenlyness.

But guess what happened?

Josh fell asleep instead.

Why?

Because my big brother texted me last night and said… “Hey amanda do you want to come pick me up tonight and roll back tommorrow?”

I’ve been trying to get ahold of my brother and figure out how he was coming home for christmas for weeks, so naturally, this is a high priority. and I couldn’t get ahold of Jordan on his phone, so I said screw it. I’ll go to eugene. So me and matt set off at 8:00 to go to eugene.

10:00 when we get there, I call my mom to tell her we arrived safely and she says, “guess who’s here?”

It was JORDAN. My gay best friend. Whom I havent seen for months that I made plans with and totally ditched to go pick up my stupid big brother from eugene.

ERRRRRRRGH

Skip to morning. We don’t even leave stephens until 3:00, when I find a PARKING TICKET on my windshield wipers.

Fucking great.

Then I plug in my phone that’s been dead for 8 hours, and I have a message from Ariel asking when we were going to hang out and a message from Josh saying that Zach couldn’t do catan.

OKay, so now catans supposed to be clays vs. brandenburgs, well that’s cool too.

Except when we get up to the portland area, and were stuck in mall traffic on 217, I had the fantastic idea of stopping to shop for christmas presents for my mom, since she didn’t really have any yet. Except my mom is really hard to shop for, and that took a good 4 fucking hours. Meanwhile, Josh’s brother has gone to sleep, and Josh has decided he doesn’t want to play Catan he just wants to cuddle.

Fine, well, cuddling happens to be something I like quite a lot so I guess I’ll live even though it doesn’t include my brothers.

So I rush my brothers out of the mall, drive home as fast as possible, get home text josh….

annnnnnd… he’s fucking asleep.

SO I call him.

me: “Josh?”

josh: “Yeah?”

me: ”Were you asleep?”

josh: ”Yeah…”

me: ”Oh I’m sorry…. I just wanted to see if you still wanted me to come over…”

josh: ”It’s up to you.”

me: ”Well I don’t want to bother you if you’re sleeping…”

josh: ”Kind of…” <——- btw, WTF?!? it would kind of bother him? how should I have taken this?

me: … pause for pissy frustrated madness to build…

“Well I have to be at work at 9 tomorrow anyway so I’ll just stay home.”

josh: ”Okay”

me: ”Okay bye.”

josh: …awkward silence…

“I’m sorry..”

me: *offended snort* “Don’t be sorry!”

josh: ”Okay”

me: ”okay bye.” *hangs up*

me: *cries*

Did I mention that my brothers were completely fucking stoned off MY WEED all day and I didn’t smoke at all because a) I was driving and b) I felt bad being all recreational when I should be trying to get home to josh.

A fun poem I wrote for my 8 page essay when I got bored of regular writing

Corn cobs roasting on the barbecue next to sweet and tangy chicken; Football on the television while busy moms chatter in the kitchen. In the back a sticky sack, a bubbling bowl, a hungry pack, while Kids are in the front yard playing hackey sack. Dusk approaches, musk floats from the roaches, We all unpack the black ash toys that are loaded in the coaches. The lighters we have joyfully used Light fires we responsibly abuse, and We all watch the speckled bright exploding shiny hues

My Man Trait List

Checks are for current man…
Most of the things not checked are just things I don’t know about yet. :)

[x]Ambitious, has a plan

[x]Tall

[x]Cute

[x]Fit

[x]Tan

[x]Isn’t Shit Poor

[x]Has a job

[x]Goes to School (or Went to School)

[x]Likes to Cuddle

[x]Likes to Take a Girl Out

[x]Likes to Go Down

[]Good in Bed

[x]Big Penis

[]Is Mushy

[x]Deep Voice

[x]Speaks A Second Lang, or has an Accent

[]Neat/Organized

[]Takes care of himself

[x]Drives/Has a car

[x]Likes you for you, is Proud of you

[x]Confident, Outgoing

[x]Dresses Well

[x]Clean Shaven

[x]Gives Massages

[x]Mature

[]Has own place

[x]Gets hints

[x]Not Bi

[]Faithful

[]Honest

[x]Intelligent

[x]Chivalrous

[x]Has a life outside you

[x]Humorous

[x]Flirty

[]Reliable

[x]Can Bring Home to Parents

[]Thoughtful

[]Doesn’t Manipulate

[x]Spontaneous

[x]Flexible

[x]Class

[x]Trusting of you

[x]Laid back

[x]Optimistic

[x]Understanding

[]Compassionate

[]Texts back soonish

[x]Texts back eventually

[]Tattoos/Piercings

[]Gracious

[]Can cook

[x]Handy

[x]Similar interests

[x]Clean, period.

Master List of Man Traits

[]Ambitious, has a plan

[]Tall

[]Cute

[]Fit

[]Built

[]Tan

[]Isn’t Shit Poor

[]Has a job

[]Goes to School (or Went to School)

[]Likes to Cuddle

[]Likes to Take a Girl Out

[]Likes to Go Down

[]Good in Bed

[]Big Penis

[]Is Mushy

[]Is Not Mushy

[]Deep Voice

[]Speaks A Second Lang, or has an Accent

[]Neat/Organized

[]Takes care of himself

[]Drives/Has a car

[]Is Proud of YOU

[]Confident, Outgoing

[]Dresses Well

[]Clean Shaven

[]Manscaped

[]Gives Massages

[]Likes Animals

[]Good Relationship with Parent(s)

[]Mature

[]Has own place

[]Gets Hints

[]Not Bi

[]Faithful

[]Honest

[]Intelligent

[]Chivalrous

[]Has a life outside you

[]Humorous

[]Flirty

[]Reliable

[]Can Bring Home to Parents

[]Thoughtful

[]Has Self-Control

[]Doesn’t Manipulate

[]Spontaneous

[]Flexible

[]Class

[]Trusting of you

[]Laid back

[]Optimistic

[]Understanding

[]Compassionate

[]Texts back

[]Nice teeth

[]Tattoos/Piercings

[]No acne (all areas)

[]Humble

[]Gracious

[]Can cook

[]Handy

[]Sporty

[]Similar interests

[]Clean, period.

Boy Am I Feeling Philosophical Today

I often find myself thanking my exes for breaking up with me, because then I would never have met that next, better man. But are they always so exponentially better? I mean, Patrick was just a freak, Ian was a gentleman, but still manipulative and self-centered. Now I meet this guy, and hes like…. I didn’t think anyone like this existed in the universe. I didn’t think anyone as good as Ian existed in the universe, much less the x10^23 (yes…a mole of Ians….). I really sincerely hope that this goes somewhere, because if it doesn’t, I’m afraid nothing less will ever satisfy me. And it begs the question; does the exponent of this one exist too?

So I’m sitting here in the library thinking…. I love the library. Why are libraries dying? Well, that begs the question, (theres a lot of begging the question here…), Why is this library thriving? Well it is the only place you can find a comfy chair on campus. Also, there are many tables, computers, study rooms and outlets with which to accomplish adequate studying, sleeping, facebooking, and an unlimited amount more, all in one central location. Books? What are books? The only books I’ve seen anyone reading here are the textbooks we all paid 300 dollars for in the bookstore downstairs. Oh… yes I see them… in the corner…. with the dust on them… news to me, I didn’t even know there was dust in this building.